


Couple Therapy 1o1

by Squickqueen



Category: Rise of the Planet of the Apes (Movies)
Genre: (fake) couple therapy, Dialog Only, Humor, I'm Sorry, M/M, Out of Character, Silly, Translation, implied Caesar/Koba, implied Colonel/Preacher, there's poop in this story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-27 02:00:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17153168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Squickqueen/pseuds/Squickqueen
Summary: It's high time for a couple therapy before someone starts to weep.





	Couple Therapy 1o1

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Eheberatung 1x1](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16511978) by [Squickqueen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Squickqueen/pseuds/Squickqueen). 



> Evil writer's blocks are evil. So, instead of a new story, enjoy a translation ^^

Therapist: Good morning, gentlemen. I'm delighted to welcome you to another session. How are you today?

Colonel: Hmph…

Caesar: I told you to drink some coffee! You know, he's intolerable without his morning coffee laced with whatever disgusting alcohol he's currently drinking!

Therapist: In that case, please help yourself to a fresh cup of coffee, Mr. McCullough. Unfortunately, I can't help you with the alcohol but I see, you brought your own flask. Do you fancy a cup of coffee too, Caesar?

Caesar: No thanks. It gives me stomach cramps.

Colonel: Everyone would get cramps from the coffee _you_ cook. It's so strong, you could fuel a whole armor division.

Caesar: You never complained!

Colonel: Because I can cope with coffee black as tar. I'm a tough guy, not a wuss!

Caesar: Except when it comes to fruit salad. Then your iron stomach suddenly gets weak in the knees.

Colonel: A real man needs his meat. Daily!

Therapist: Please let us not start this fine morning with a fight. Especially after we made such promising progress last week. Did you get your bathroom situation under control?

Caesar: You might be surprised, but yes. He no longer needs two hours to get ready …

Colonel: … and the drain doesn't get clogged up by fur since we use a sink strainer.

Therapist: Excellent! Sometimes all you need is a little bit of outside help to solve your problems. I firmly believe we'll find a solution for your more complex relationship problems too and finally cut through this Gordian knot.

Caesar: Could we please use less martial rhetoric? I understand that humans tend to use violence as first solution for every problem, but I expected more from a therapist.

Colonel: Jesus Christ! Please stop it already with the Mahatma Gandhi act. See, it's impossible to talk to him like a normal human being. All the time it's "Don't be so aggressive!", "Stop swearing so much!", "Don't shout!"

Caesar: You quartered our last lunch with a machete…

Colonel: That's the only true way to carve a damned fried chicken!

Caesar: … and scattered it all over the room. No one could eat that anymore. Besides, I hate wasting food!

Colonel: Oh, really? It was you who complained about me drying the chicken's bones!

Therapist: Wait a minute … you dry chicken bones? Why?

Colonel: It's an old family recipe. First, you dry the chicken bones, next you ground them into fine flour and finally you snuff it. Puts hair on your chest!

Caesar: WHAT NORMAL HUMAN BEING DOES THAT?!

Therapist: A-hem. Well, that is indeed unconventional, but we are here to take care of your relationship. Please get a new appointment, if you need my help regarding other issues.

Now, to get back on track – was there anything in the past week that you particularly appreciated about your partner? Perhaps a nice gesture, or …

Colonel: He bathed. That's always a feast for all senses.

Caesar: He made me laugh.

Colonel: Oh, so that's what I'm for you? A laughingstock? Screw you!

Caesar: Oh, I'd love to!

Therapist: Please calm down, gentlemen! I know it's hard to find the common ground when your relationship isn't working out anymore, but please try to stay civil. Before we continue: Try to find that one thing that made you fall in love in the first place. If you can't find it, perhaps this whole session is pointless, to begin with.

Caesar: …

Colonel: … He's got the most beautiful eyes.

Caesar: Keep your hands to yourself and stop staring at me like a creep!

Colonel: I'm serious. I noticed his eyes before anything else. That and his persistence.

Caesar: Well, I can return that compliment. You should see us fighting over the last piece of banana cake. And I do have to admit, he's not the most hideous human in the world with his grizzled beard, prominent features and a shirt that's way too tight.

Colonel: Says the one not wearing pants.

Therapist: Well, I can understand that it's not easy for two strong personalities to live in a relationship, but this is at least a start in the right direction. Now, to pinpoint the main issue, tell me what bothers you the most about your partner. And please try to stay calm. Should the situation escalate I'm forced to…"

Colonel: He's a damn chimpanzee!

Therapist: Excuse me?

Colonel: Are you blind? Take a look at him: Definitively a chimp!

Caesar: Surprise…

Therapist: Please don't hold the question against me, Mr. McCullough, but how on earth is that a surprise?

Colonel: That bastard lied to me. He told me he's a bonobo!

Caesar: I've never said that! You just don't listen to me!

Therapist: Well, bonobo, chimpanzee, it's essentially the same, isn't it?

Caesar & Colonel: EXCUSE ME?!

Therapist: Oh, uhm… *coughs* What I actually wanted to say…

Colonel: And he doesn't eat the tips of bananas! Our fridge is full of them. I've told you a hundred times that I hate it when the fridge is full of banana tips! I'm pretty sure you're doing it on purpose!

Caesar: We had a deal: Jimi Hendrix weekend only and I get rid of the banana tips. _You_ broke the deal!

Therapist: Jimi Hendrix?

Caesar: I loathe his music. Makes my ears bleed.

Colonel: Philistine! But what else can one expect from a savage lacking the slightest spark of decency? Do you know what the neighborhood calls him?

Therapist: Well, I…

Colonel: Chimpanbitch! Everyone is hot for his fur. Gorillas, chimps, orangutans, bonobos, the mailman! Every morning some pining animals sit in my front yard and hoot at full volume as soon as they see him!

Caesar: Oh, please! You're the one who prances half-naked in front of _some pining animals_ on the balcony. Every morning!

Colonel: I have every right to do so! It's my house, my balcony, and my front yard! And I promise you something: If Koba ever throws poop again, I'm going to riddle his flea eaten fur with bullets!

Therapist: Koba? Who's that?

Caesar: A good friend of mine. Nothing more.

Colonel: Nothing more?! Excuse me, but I think you've forgotten a small detail: See, Koba's his ex-boyfriend. But unfortunately, that dense bonobo didn't get the memo!

Therapist: Gentlemen, please…

Caesar: It's really not a big deal…

Colonel: He dropped a dead bear on my doorstep! With a ribbon and a pink greeting card! How is that not a big deal?!

Therapist: Please sit down, Mr. McCullough. And stop shouting. The walls are not soundproofed.

Colonel: Shut up! I'm talking now!

Therapist: Excuse me?!

Caesar: Why are you making such a fuss over nothing? I can't help my animal attraction. If you can't handle it, you have to find someone else. Preacher certainly takes you back gladly.

Colonel: Leave Preacher out of this!

Therapist: Who's Pr…

Caeser: By the way, he also sits in our front yard every morning, just so you know!

Colonel: That doesn't mean anything!

Caesar: Oh, really? And the "#1 Colonel Fan Boy" shirt he's wearing also doesn't mean anything?

Colonel: At least he's not throwing poop and dropping dead bears on my doorstep!

Caesar: He threw a hand grenade after me!

Therapist: …!

Colonel: Wait, are you talking about the fir cone, _you_ thought was a hand grenade?

Caesar: …

Colonel: Hilarious! You should have seen him. No chimp ever climbed faster down my balcony before!

Caesar: How many chimps _did_ climb down your balcony?!

Colonel: Uhm…

Caesar: ÒÓ

Therapist: Well, gentlemen, I fear we've reached the end of today's session. I'll be happy to welcome you both back next week to… put down the poop at once! DON'T YOU DARE!

 

~ Later ~

 

Colonel: …

Caesar: …

Colonel: Promise me, next time you start throwing poop at me, practice first. The poor therapist…

Caesar: Next time I'm going to strangle you. That has been the third therapist in four weeks!

Colonel: I told you, you're too emotional.

Caesar: And that's precisely why you love me.

Colonel: I love more than that about you. Come here, you mangy bastard!

Caesar: Here? Can't you wait till we're back home? The toilet stall isn't soundproof you know and… oh… oh… okay, fine…

 

~The End~


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